Makes you want to get all squiffy doesn't it?

I'm not even sure where to begin... I've literally been sitting here for the past five minutes trying to process the past weeks and simultaneously think of something witty to say about. It seems as though I might not have anything significant to say really.
I went to London and realized that although you can exist anywhere, there are really only certain places where you can flourish. I'm not necessarily made to live in London, but I realized that we forget what else is out there... we exist inside boundaries.
I, for one, had forgotten how young and shallow America is. I dont mean it in a negative way, per se. I mean it in a way that we have yet to have depth in our history. Our own lives rarely reflect the history of our country and our reverence is lost because of it. It seems as though London exists in modernity but with a respect for the past. I'm not sure we do that here. I barrel on without regard... as if what I have exists in and of itself, and nothing else. No connectedness to anything but perhaps my home, profession or coming out of my paycheck.
God save the Queen.

Pirate Radio

Mindblowing soundtrack...

The Kinks – All Day and All Night

Chris Andrews – Yesterday Man

Them feat. Van Morrison – Here Comes the Night

The Hollies – I’m alive

Aaron Neville – Tell It Like It Is

Franciose Hardy – All Over the World

Jeff Beck – Hi Ho Silver Lining

The Easy Beats – Friday On My Mind

The McCoys- Hang On Sloppy

The Tremeloes – Silence is Golden

John Fred and His Playboy Band – Judy in Disguise with Glasses

Lulu – To Sir with Love

Donovan – Sunshine Superman

The Supremes – The Happening

The Crazy World of Arthur James – Fire

The Box Tops – The Letter

Otis Redding – these arms of mine

The Bystanders – 98.6

The Rolling Stones – Jumpin Jack Flash

The Yardbirds – For oYur Love

The Seekers – Georgy Girls

Junior Walker and The All Stars – Cleo’s Mood

Smokey Robinson and The Miracles – Ooo Baby Baby

Leanoard Cohen – So Long Marianne

The Turtles – She’d Rather Be with Me

The Turtles – Eleanore

Ennio Morricone – Per qualche dollaro in piu

The Isley Brothers – This Old Heart of Mine

The Young Rascals – Groovin

Paul Jones – Ive Been a Bad Bad Boy

The Troggs – With a Girl Like You

Tommy and James and The Shondells – Crimson and Clover

The Kinks – Sunny Afternoon

The Rolling Stones – Lets Spend the Night Together

Martha Reeves and the vandellas – dancin in the streeet

Darlen Love – Christmas

Dusty Springfield – You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me

Steven Rrice – Amy’s Song

Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass - This Guys in Love With You

The Beach Boys – Little Saint Nick

Sandy Shaw – Girl Don’t Come

Jimi Hendrix – The Wind Cries Mary

Skeeter Davis – End of the Worlds

The Who – My Generation

The Who – Wont Get Fooled Again

The Moody Blues – Nights in White Satin

The Who – I Can See for Miles

Procol Harum – Whiter Shade of Pale

Cat Stevens – Father and Son

Beach Boys – Wouldn’t it Be Nice

Z – Sink or Swim

Duffy –Stay with Me Baby

Weekend Warriors.

A tear in my brain
Allows the voices in
They wanna push you off the path
With their frequency wires

And you can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes

A drunken salesman
Your hearing damage
Your mind is restless
They say you’re getting better
But you don’t feel any better

Your speakers are blowing
Your ears are wrecking
Your hearing damage
You wish you felt better
You wish you felt better

You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
In my

In my eyes
In my eyes
In my eyes


Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke.

Maybe if we made hospitals like they were supposed to be for sick people people wouldn't want to go to them...

Scream.

Scream.

Its what I want to do right now.

For some reason, I want to run around like a crazy person and scream at the top of my lungs.

Why, you ask?

Because I'm currently being haunted by my patients today. I didn't have but three patients today and one of them is going to haunt me all day. Something in my gut is screaming that I missed something. Something also confirms that its probably true, that I missed something.

The strange part - I miss things all the time. I miss stuff - its what makes me human. I dont have all the answers nor to I claim to...

However, my patients rely on me to be their god and therefore I am currently driving myself crazy aspiring to become one.

Fruitless but still tempting at the same time.

This might be the beginning of a paranoia in which I neurotically scour every part of a patients visit in order to discover my error. The peculiar part is that I already know I will find many errors. Therein the dilemma. Why search for something that is theoretically already found?

My errors are secret and known at the same time. There, hiding in the cracks, waiting to be found, but I already know they are there.

The ugly part of this whole business is when someone else finds the error or the error of my ways is made known when maleficence befalls a patient, I am on trial for my life...

and all I can do is scream. Right now and in that moment that is waiting for me in the future.

Scream and hope my fate is better than the ones that come before me...

Confessions of a...

I think I'm finally admitting to myself something I have known for a long time. That I am completely and utterly compulsive.

I literally cannot control myself and have very little discipline.

Tonight, for example, I literally cannot stop eating. I can't. I have barely any food in my house and yet I am stuffing my face with processed "food".

So, I admit that I'm compulsive... and impulsive I guess.

Things you should know about me right now:

I am sleeping on an air matress.

I do not have a fridge in my house nor do I have a washer dryer.

I'm working at a job where I get paid more than 80% of the worlds population for helping perhaps only 1% of the AZ population.

I love Halloween and cannot stop eating candy corn to save my life, or anyone elses for that matter.

Something to think about:

How awesome your mom was when you were growing up and how she managed to work and cook dinner all in the same day. We take that for granted but I can barely take care of myself. You're mom might not have been exactly the same but I've been thinking about how although my parents weren't perfect, that they did more things right than wrong.

YUMA!

I had to write "YUMA" in capital letters to express the fact that I just want to yell it out. I need to get it out of my system because I'm going back there soon. Why you ask? Why must I go to Yuma. In a word, Money. I need money - badly. Its strange, but I'm going to be chasing money for the majority of my life. I already have bills and no paycheck. Bizarro.

Right now - I'm living in limbo. I always feel like I write the most when I'm in a strange place in my life. Limbo. The transitional time where I'm not particularly busy but going almost mad trying to move on with my life.

Its funny - being done with grad school doesn't mean anything anymore. Not a damn thing, if you ask me. Its just an illusion of having completed something... the funny part is that is just a step in a million others that come after it.

So, I'm going to Yuma. I keep trying to t tell myself that I can deal with living there. I keep thinking things like "oh, there is at least a Target and a Costco" and "I'll just drive to San Diego on the weekends." I'm having to convince myself along with everyone else that its going to be fine but I really have no clue. I guess this is the next sacrifice/ compromise in a long line of them. But who knows, it could be my permanent home.

Now thats a strange concept - permanence. Can you imagine living somewhere for the rest of your life? I sure can't... but it never ceases to amaze me how people can never leave a place.

Yuma's population practically triples during the winter. The snow birds... East Coast people who have the luxury of leaving the bitter cold. I sure don't blame them. Someone told me that I'm going to be a reverse snowbird. Running away from Yuma. ha.

Yuma is one of the hottest and sunniest places to live in the US. Highest temp in the past has been 124. Welcome to the desert and my new home.

Reflections from the Grave

This is where I died

And was reborn.

In a fire

Not metphorically or metphysically

But literally, in a fire.

I die each day with a new fire

Not my own

But everyone else's.

And there isn't enough pain medicine

Not enough to make my mind not

Remember

This is where I die each day

The pains: acheydeepdullradiatingsharpclenchingbreathtakingexquisiteconstantburningagonizingboaring

Approaching the end.

I'm honestly lost for words (well not literally) but I feel like I physically cannot express how bizarre and frustrated and scared and confused I feel right now. I'm approaching the end of my career as a student and beginning my career as a PA. I have my graduation this friday and I couldn't be more afraid. Primarily because it marks the fact that I cannot turn back nor can I postpone the real world any longer. I think I'm experiencing the emotions of someone who just graduated from undergrad - but I managed to avoid it because I went straight to grad school (which was the best decision ever... it puts off everything scary for a couple more years).

I'm moving to Yuma to be a part of something that I think with rock my world. The physician group really cares about their patients and want to give them better care - that is where I step in. I'm excited to be a part of something patient centered. Plus the doctors all seem really great.

I think I'm beginning to rediscover "God". I'm not sure what that means right now which is why I use quotations marks. I'm beginning to embark on a journey of self discovery and spirituality and I think I might be onto something. Things are slow moving but I think I'm gonna make some headway on what I think about God and Jesus and all things spiritual. I mean, its not that I have lost faith - I'm just trying to revamp it and figure myself out in the process.

Things are happening - hopefully I'll survive when things stop happening so fast.

Where the wild things are...

Ok, so here's the scoop. I'm on my last rotations. MY LAST CLINICAL ROTATION EVER! I am totally freaked out and the real world is coming at me and gaining speed. I'm a complete mess and my heartburn has gotten worse and I think I need an endoscopy. Alas, I think I'll live.

Currently...

I'm looking for a job - a fruitless experiment in emailing hundreds of people who never get back to you. You shouldn't try it if you dont have to.

I'm getting my tonsils out in 11 days. I think its going to hurt.

I'm studying for the boards... a 6 hours test which is going to be hard on purpose.

I'm learning how to be a normal person - go on dates and make small talk without talking about medicine. Its quite hard.

I'm working on a speech for graduation and its going to be corny. I'm not sure how to fix that.

I'm about to take a ton of recycling. Lets save the world!

In the past...

Ok, so I left off at my second rotation. The next one was Psychiatry. Which was totally fun and goofy. I worked in Benson and the people were great and the hours were short and many times I got called and told not to come in because there were barely any patients. Psychiatry will be great for you. Its normally great hours and a breeze because it is very limited in scope. You just need to know your Axis diagnoses and your antipsychotics. The rotations went generally well with no hiccups. It was a nice vacation. Just make sure you dont turn into an idiot and forget all your general medicine stuff.

Moving on... My next rotations was dermatology. Which was good and bad. I love derm and I think its fascinating. The doctor was a bitch sometimes though. It made me sad because she was so stressed out that she couldn't treat anyone like a human being. She was so wealthy and so miserable that I felt like it was such a waste. Derm is general good to practice your suturing and doing all of the biopsies and stuff. My doctor was very conservative and she didn't let me do much but it was still a good experience overall. I'm glad I dont have to deal with it anymore but I think derm should be required for everyone. It was also good because I was at home and got to spend time with my parents. I would recommend it.

Ok, so fast forward to the worst rotation ever. So I started blogging on my ER rotation, which was excellent, and I think I have covered every rotations except for one... the most infamous of all time. My elective rotation at a county hospital burn unit. Word to the wise... dont waste an elective on something that you could potentially hate. Screen your elective rotations wisely. I happened to get lucky most of the time but this one I didn't. I didn't blog during this rotations because I was so angry all the time that I wanted to punch someone right in the mouth. I started to blog once but decided it was too inflammatory and slanderous so I didn't post it. The burn rotation was miserable for many reasons. 1 - One of the PA's there was a total bitch who was also the worst teacher ever and was totally miserable herself. I heard that she used to be a fun person and now she hates her life so she makes everyone else's miserable as well. 2 - Teaching hospitals suck for PA students because dealing with residents is the worst thing ever. They are rude and miserable and cocky SOB's (for the most part) and I hated being around them. 3- Miserable and mean staff = miserable rotation 4- being on the bottom of a very tall totem pole makes you feel like crap more often then not. All in all I give the rotation a thumbs down but I did learn what I needed to learn to manage burns appropriately so all wasnt lost.

Well, I feel like I'm closing a little chapter of my life by summarizing pretty much everything I could about PA school. The blog isn't done but it feels good to not have much more material to write about concerning clinical rotations...