Words from God’s walk in closet:
I’m not really sure why, but I feel inclined to write where I am writing from everytime I post something. But I think its funny, and actually relevant that you know I am writing from a parsonage. Apparently the organization that provides housing to students owns/ rents this strange parsonage from a church. Quite frankly, I think its haunted. Who knows, it might be God or it might be something else. Either way, it’s a parsonage.
I’m in one of those moods right now… a mood where you want to just run away from your life. A mood where you feel free and completely trapped at the same time. Inner conflict at its best. I don’t know about you, but I feel conflicted most of the time. At work, at school, spiritually, morally and personally.
I have this idea in my head of the way I would like to live – I would like to live consciously of my contribution, I want to recycle, join and organic co-op, not waste money and resources, take public transportation, feed the poor and take care of those in need, I want to be more active, explore nature, eat healthy and really care for people. I want to practice medicine the best way I can but also get people to live healthier without pills. I want to live what I might speak to people. I want to do bikram yoga most days of the week, I want a challenging relationship that I want to contribute to and not think it’s a chore. I want to be true to myself. These are just some of the wants.
It seems as though I don’t do anything that I really want (or think I want) – which begs the question, do I really want these things. Which I truly deep down think that I do – but I’m stuck. I’m scared that I wont ever do these things or anything else.
I feel like the dark in me want me to forget everything I really want for the sake of living a life worthy of anything. The dark part of me wants me to spend all my money on useless shit, be completely rich and wasteful and consume til I drown in it. Or it just wants me to go completely numb and not really care about anything but myself.

Tangent - I just watched Lost in Translation. Sophia Coppola did a magnificent job with that movie by the way. I’ve been to Japan a total of 3 times and the movie made me miss it even more than my basal level of longing to leave the country. For some reason I feel drawn to that place – the contrast between east and west is one of the best I have ever seen juxtaposed. You can experience ancient culture at a temple and then walk down the street and be tempted to spend all your savings at various designer stores. The people have the roots of the most interesting culture which is washed with the western consumer drive. Its amazing. No matter how western the outside appearance becomes, it is still Japan. Nothing less, nothing more.

Recently, I feel the deep need to be creative. To paint, to write and dream. Its probably related to the fact that I’m losing myself the more I work for everybody else. The hard part about what I do, is that I have to stay the same person to every patient I see. My persona in medicine must be steadfast and its excruciating sometimes. Then again, the real me is held back by personal choice in other social scenarios so I cant begrudgingly feel distraught about it. Its just a bizarre life to live and its hard for anyone to understand.

Well, that seems like enough to chew on and I’m going to bed.